Pests of the Subway

The rats trolling the subway rails—and sometimes the subway cars—aren’t the only pests riling the city’s commuters.  Today we bring you five pesky specimens of the two-legged variety.

The 5 Most Obnoxious Species of Subway Rider:

1. The Human Amplifier: For him, the iPod earbud is a means of mass communication.  Ditto the cell phone.  But to Nichelle Cox, a PR specialist from the Bronx, “Those are the sh*%$iest speakers on the planet.  That doesn’t sound like Jay-Z, dude.  Turn it off.”
2. The Shameless Smoocher: “Ugh,” says Shira Wheitz, a playwright from Williamsburg.  “I hate listening to people kiss on the train.  Maybe I’m bitter, but I don’t want to watch other people be happy.”  Neither do we.
3. The Human Crowbar: This creature would rather lose a limb than miss the train.  As a result, we’re stuck listening to the conductor scream, “Move away from the door, mam!”  As Jill, a registered nurse from Eastern Parkway sees it, “You know damn well you’re already late.  Just lie to your boss.  Tell them your kid was sick.”
4. The Stage Whisperer: If everyone on the train knows where your manager can stick his mandatory overtime, then you’re probably not whispering anymore.  “I don’t want to hear your conversation,” says Allen Roy, a Bed-Stuy filmmaker.  “Your life is not that interesting.”  Ouch.
5. The MTA: If there’s one thing commuters enjoy griping about more than other commuters, it’s the MTA.  Service cuts, construction, fare hikes.  The Subway Singer, Door Blocker, and Rushhour Fish Eater don’t even come close.